Dance Recital

Courtnie has completed her 9th year of dance (I believe).  Here are some pictures/videos of recital.  They were missing one girl and she is in every dance Courtnie is in.  So if it looks odd or like something is missing, there is!  I forgot my camera (I know, who forgets their camera to recital?) and had to video with my iPhone.  Terrible quality but hopefully it will come to memory for her later in life.  

I want to get pictures of her with all 5 costumes here soon.  Maybe after summer settles down from camps I can get those done.

With Miss Erin:

She won Best Lyrical Dancer and her friend, Aubri, won Best Pointe Dancer:

She starts out on the left, front row:

She starts out in the back doing the lift toe touch, after that I couldn't keep up:

After they all do their own entrance and come together, she starts on the far right in front:

Here, she starts out front row, far left:

She starts out second from the left and I run out of memory on my iPhone:

First Baseball Tournament

Because we pulled Cameron out of school, he is not playing high school ball, even after dreaming about this for years.  This was the ONE thing that held Cameron back from making his final decision to be homeschooled.  We tried MMA for a few months and it just wasn't his thing; he enjoyed it but if he decided to stop he wouldn't miss it.  Jason and I mentioned playing club baseball and he perked up immediately!  So we took the plunge into paying and playing select ball.

They had their first tournament this weekend and I was determined to get some pictures of him.  This is what I got and they aren't half bad!  Maybe soon I can snap one with him looking at me AND smiling :)

Sunday morning we were up at 5am to get to his game on time (they relocated fields and we ended up being an hour and a half away from home).  I sat in the back and was given a glimpse into the father/son relationship.  Boys are weird.  But I do love them!!  I felt blessed as I sat back there and heard them cut up and get serious about game strategies.  It was truly a special moment for me.

Funniest moment... We were at Sonic waiting for our order.  Of course the boys start messing around and Jason starts pounding on Cameron's back (probably because Cameron had just decked him again).  It was at this VERY moment that the lady walks to the car to serve our food.  Jason immediately starts explaining how he wasn't really beating his kid and not to call CPS.  Cameron and I were laughing so hard!  Priceless.

Love my boys so much!!

Memorial Weekend Alone

This is how Jason and I spent Memorial Weekend.  We could have gone to fancy dinners, which we talked about but decided against since that would require getting dressed and out of bed.  Instead, we opted for quick meals and movies.  We did plant orange trees and a peach tree, took many naps, and we played with Oakley!  Man, it was a much needed and relaxing weekend.

Brownwood Getaway

My mom took the kids to Brownwood this weekend along with my aunt and uncle and my Grannie.  Jason and I had planned to go with them for the Memorial weekend getaway but then we had a surprise 40th birthday we were invited to.  It wasn't just any birthday but a very close family friend.  And of course it was the perfect excuse to stay home for a 4 DAY WEEKEND WITH MY HUSBAND ALONE!!  We didn't need much convicting to stay home :)

Here are some pics from their weekend:

I'll have to work on sneaking pics of Cameron.  Teenagers aren't too fond of having their pictures taken, unless of course it's a selfie :)

She knows me well :)

Why not her?

Last night I was praying for Courtnie and her having her blood drawn this morning.  For whatever reason, leukemia came to mind.  I can't explain it really, no one has suggested this to me and I've not heard the doctor mention this.  I began to cry.  Hard.

That's when I heard it.  I heard God whisper to me, "Why not her?", "Why not you?"  I had no answer.

I was already crying for my baby and before I had myself all worked up over nothing, I decided to look leukemia up just to confirm my mind was wandering for no good reason.  I should not have done this!  I was really hoping that what I read would be completely irrelevant and my mind would be put to ease.  What I read about leukemia and mono was shocking!  I had no idea the two were so closely connected and often misdiagnosed for the other.

My tears hit HARD.  I was having my own silent pity party including a panic attack that caught my breath and vomit that threatened to surface with just one more sob.  I frantically picked up my phone to text my praying friends.  I wasn't about to make an actual phone call in between sobs and I certainly didn't want anyone in my house to know I was this upset.  There are two people I rely on heavily for every trial in life - my sister and my friend Abby.  The two people I would have ever called to stand in the gap for me day or night would, by God's amazing hands, already be up this late at night - my sister has just moved to Africa and our time zones are vastly different and my friend Abby just had a baby, and we all know new mommas don't get to sleep.  Breanne told me that her alarm was set wrong and she was just woken up right before I texted her.  I can already see God working in this situation!  

Between my two closest friends they reminded me that Courtnie doesn't belong to me but to God and that He alone has her best interest at heart and that God loves her even more than I do and will use her for His glory.  How true that is, He does love her even more than I do!  They reminded me that it's okay for me to turn to God with my tears and anxiety, as long as I'm giving it to Him to handle.  Afterall, He is my Father and what father doesn't want to protect and love their children.

God does have plans for my daughter, plans I do not yet know.  He will use believers for His glory, even Courtnie at just 11 years old.  I continued my prayers through softer tears and told Him, "Yes.  Yes Lord, You can use my daughter, You can use me, You can use our family."  Our Heavenly Father gave His ONLY son so that we may live eternally in heaven.  Why should our family NOT be used for His glory?  Why should my children not be used for His glory?

Courtnie has asked lately why God hasn't healed her, afterall, we are a praying family.  We remind her, as well as ourselves, that we live on God's timing.  We must remain faithful that He has used her to spread the gospel.  Maybe it is through just one simple post of mine that someone has met Christ.  Maybe this journey is not yet finished and many will accept Christ later down the road of this journey.  Maybe an atheist is watching our family's struggle and God will reveal Himself through us.  Maybe God used this opportunity for me alone to respond in obedience with a faithful heart.  Maybe, just maybe, a miracle will soon be revealed to many.

Satan is real and he is attempting to shake this house of believers.  But we will not let him bring our family down.  We serve a bigger God who continually lifts us up.  We will remain faithful and we will show God's glory and might in every situation.

I woke up with peace this morning.  Whatever the results, I choose to bless His name.  Maybe all of this is lingering strep, or a pesky virus.  Maybe it is mono or leukemia.  I don't know the answer today.  I don't know the answer to why He has chosen Courtnie to suffer.  I may not ever know on this side of heaven.

I don't know what is to come of this trial.  But I do know Who will be there alongside us of this journey.

To God be the glory!

April Timeline for Courtnie

This month has been especially hard for Courtnie and her health.  I'm blogging this timeline for reference:

4/10/13 Wednesday - Courtnie came home from school and was very quiet and lethargic.  Completely not normal for my baby girl with dancing feet who ALWAYS something to say or a question to ask!  I took her temperature and sure enough she had a fever.

4/11/13 Thursday - She stayed home from school today with a fever.  By the end of today I could smell her "sick breath" and she mentioned in passing that her throat was hurting.  I went ahead and called the doctor and made an appointment for the next morning.

4/12/13 Friday - She tested positive for strep and started Amoxicillin.  This is Courtnie's FIRST time to ever have strep and since she hasn't been to the doctor for anything other than yearly checkups in the last 6 years, we all thought this was a good choice.

4/14/13 Sunday - Called the doctor Sunday afternoon because there were NO changes and they wanted to give it one more day for the antibiotics to kick in and start working.  Our doctor gave us her personal cell phone number to call if we needed ANYTHING.  I tucked it away for safe-keeping but didn't really think I would need her cell so readily available.

4/15/13 Monday - Courtnie still had a fever, sore throat, coughing, not sleeping or eating.  They called in a new prescription, Zithromax.  They believe she may have a virus on top of her strep and that is the root cause of the slow healing.

4/17/13 Wednesday - Finally a day fever free!

4/18/13 Thursday - Still a bit tired, but Courtnie returned to school :)

4/19/13 Friday - Woke my baby up only for her to come running to me crying - her ear was hurting, her throat was hurting, her tummy was hurting, and she was tired.  Called the doctor, came in, and had an "oh my gosh" ear infection, but lungs were clear.  We had just finished the Z-pack this morning so we started our third antibiotic, Omnicef.  Diagnosed her with allergies and began a nose spray and Zyrtec along with Benadryl at night. Again, this is the FIRST time she has ever suffered from allergies but I could see the connection with all her symptoms.  She has currently lost 5 lbs.

4/20/13 Saturday - Courtnie has a fever again and now has a rash covering her belly.  It isn't raised and doesn't itch but I went ahead and called the doctor anyway.  As a mom, I can diagnose many things but rashes are not my area of expertise!  And with everything else going on, I just felt I needed to call her.  She believes that the virus they originally thought she may have had on top of the strep was surfacing, which is a good sign.  Told me to call her back if anything new came about.

4/21/13 Sunday - Although fever free today, her rash has now spread all over her body.  It still isn't raised and doesn't itch but it is everywhere - torso, back, arms, legs, hands, face.  Called the doctor and we texted back and forth with pictures.  They wanted her to stop all meds and come in ready to have blood drawn first thing tomorrow morning and both doctors would be there to look her over.

4/22/13 Monday - Courtnie still has her ear infection even after 4 days on her third antibiotic, she's still coughing like a smoker, and her temperature is back up to low-grade.  They don't believe the rash is from an allergic reaction to the antibiotics but a virus raising.  They drew blood for mono and full CBC.  They said she could go back to school but she begged me not to send her saying she was tired (again, this is not like her at all).  I opted to keep her home again and she is back in bed all day.  She has now lost 6 lbs.

4/23/13 Tuesday - Courtnie returns to school, no fever and her cough sounds better but her ear still hurts.  CBC and CRP tests came back today, both normal, and they sent the monospot test off for further testing.

4/24/13 Wednesday - School again today!  She's still raspy and sounds like something is caught in her throat and she says her ear hurts worse today than yesterday.  But fever free.

4/25/13 Thursday - Monospot came back positive and showed signs that not only has she had this round of mono for awhile already but it appears as if she has had mono once before.  The only concern at this time is her platelet count; it was 87 and should be 130,000.  Yes, those numbers are correct!  We will go back in for another blood draw in two weeks.

5/22/13 Wednesday - All blood work is normal.  All praise to our God!!

Letters from Colton

His class has been focusing on writing etiquette and especially the art of writing an actual letter.

Here are two of his letters, one to his dearest friend Emily and another to his teacher.

Love, love, love his heart!

Itches to Death

Colton said, "I have poison ivy and it itches to death!" LOL. I don't know if it's poison ivy or him just being red and rashy from playing outside but that's too cute :)

Here's to hoping it's NOT poison ivy!

Learning to Order Her Food

We're at a restaurant and Courtnie tells me what she wants to order... er... what she wants ME to order FOR HER.  I very gently remind her (as I always do) that she can order for herself.  This doesn't go over well.  It never does.  She immediately takes a deep breath, opens her eyes wide, kicks her feet very nervously and tells me she doesn't want to.  I know her heart is racing.  I encourage her to order for herself and rehearse with her exactly what to say.  She shakes her head no and says she doesn't want to.  But I stand firm and make her order.

Here's the deal... I know EXACTLY what she is thinking, feeling, and going through.  I did not like to order for myself as a child either.  What if I said something wrong?  Or mispronounced a word?  What if they talked to me and I couldn't understand what they said? What if they couldn't hear me and asked me to REPEAT my order?  Then I'd have to speak TWICE!  What if...  What if....

There simply aren't many other things that could possibly go wrong while ordering your food. But these irrational thoughts are what always went through my mind when my own mother made me order for myself.  And I used to hate it!  I always smile after Courtnie orders because the next few moments she does the exact same thing I did to my mom.  She very nervously orders her food while staring at me (and I watch and nod my head as if to say good job), slouches back into her seat, and for only a few seconds hates me for making her do such a horrible thing as ordering her own food.

My poor baby girl.  Right now she thinks there is no good reason to have to order for herself.  She thinks I'm being mean by making her speak to someone and ask them to get her choice of food or drink.  She doesn't understand that this simple process is a stepping stone to learning to communicate in the world about things yet unseen.  She doesn't understand that the anxiety she feels is not rational and she will be okay.  She hasn't quite learned yet that she has survived after ordering her food all those other times!

But I don't tell her any of these things.  I just remind her that she is capable of ordering for herself, I tell her I am not ordering for her, and then smile when she has accomplished this task.  Then I wait for her to calm down and not be mad at me anymore.  But all the while, my heart hurts for her inside.  I know it pains her do this simple thing.

I know one day she will understand all of this when her own little girl begs with fear in her eyes to not have to order for herself.  Courtnie will look across the table with a gentle smile and encourage her daughter to do the same.  It is then she will remember these days and be proud of herself for learning to push past the anxiety, trust in her mom, and order her food.