Why not her?

Last night I was praying for Courtnie and her having her blood drawn this morning.  For whatever reason, leukemia came to mind.  I can't explain it really, no one has suggested this to me and I've not heard the doctor mention this.  I began to cry.  Hard.

That's when I heard it.  I heard God whisper to me, "Why not her?", "Why not you?"  I had no answer.

I was already crying for my baby and before I had myself all worked up over nothing, I decided to look leukemia up just to confirm my mind was wandering for no good reason.  I should not have done this!  I was really hoping that what I read would be completely irrelevant and my mind would be put to ease.  What I read about leukemia and mono was shocking!  I had no idea the two were so closely connected and often misdiagnosed for the other.

My tears hit HARD.  I was having my own silent pity party including a panic attack that caught my breath and vomit that threatened to surface with just one more sob.  I frantically picked up my phone to text my praying friends.  I wasn't about to make an actual phone call in between sobs and I certainly didn't want anyone in my house to know I was this upset.  There are two people I rely on heavily for every trial in life - my sister and my friend Abby.  The two people I would have ever called to stand in the gap for me day or night would, by God's amazing hands, already be up this late at night - my sister has just moved to Africa and our time zones are vastly different and my friend Abby just had a baby, and we all know new mommas don't get to sleep.  Breanne told me that her alarm was set wrong and she was just woken up right before I texted her.  I can already see God working in this situation!  

Between my two closest friends they reminded me that Courtnie doesn't belong to me but to God and that He alone has her best interest at heart and that God loves her even more than I do and will use her for His glory.  How true that is, He does love her even more than I do!  They reminded me that it's okay for me to turn to God with my tears and anxiety, as long as I'm giving it to Him to handle.  Afterall, He is my Father and what father doesn't want to protect and love their children.

God does have plans for my daughter, plans I do not yet know.  He will use believers for His glory, even Courtnie at just 11 years old.  I continued my prayers through softer tears and told Him, "Yes.  Yes Lord, You can use my daughter, You can use me, You can use our family."  Our Heavenly Father gave His ONLY son so that we may live eternally in heaven.  Why should our family NOT be used for His glory?  Why should my children not be used for His glory?

Courtnie has asked lately why God hasn't healed her, afterall, we are a praying family.  We remind her, as well as ourselves, that we live on God's timing.  We must remain faithful that He has used her to spread the gospel.  Maybe it is through just one simple post of mine that someone has met Christ.  Maybe this journey is not yet finished and many will accept Christ later down the road of this journey.  Maybe an atheist is watching our family's struggle and God will reveal Himself through us.  Maybe God used this opportunity for me alone to respond in obedience with a faithful heart.  Maybe, just maybe, a miracle will soon be revealed to many.

Satan is real and he is attempting to shake this house of believers.  But we will not let him bring our family down.  We serve a bigger God who continually lifts us up.  We will remain faithful and we will show God's glory and might in every situation.

I woke up with peace this morning.  Whatever the results, I choose to bless His name.  Maybe all of this is lingering strep, or a pesky virus.  Maybe it is mono or leukemia.  I don't know the answer today.  I don't know the answer to why He has chosen Courtnie to suffer.  I may not ever know on this side of heaven.

I don't know what is to come of this trial.  But I do know Who will be there alongside us of this journey.

To God be the glory!